i feel selfish in that i haven’t really been emotionally invested in what’s going on taiwan in my family. my grandfather (on my mom’s side) had pneumonia a few weeks ago. he has been up and down in the hospital, feeling better one day and then not so good another.

just recently the doctors said that his lungs have been infected, and after just talking to my mom, i’m amazed at how much strength and courage she has.

my grandfather is pretty old but i’m just amazed at how much strength my mom and aunt have shown. she’s prepared for anything and i wish i had that courage as well.

i guess i didn’t want to invest emotionally in all this because i’d be hurt. things like this hurt. why am i playing the avoidance game?

please pray for healing, for my grandfather (who is very headstrong through all this), my mom, and aunt and uncle.

i don’t know what else to say.

i’m so pathetic without you.

lost without you.

ashamed without you.

unredeemable without you. disgusting without you. lacking without you.

insecure without you.

in you i find identity.

i find hope. i find reason. i find purpose. strength.

i find undeserved love and grace.

i find renewal. i find joy.

help me to always look to you, for in my sin and my selfishness, i look to my own needs all too often.

thank for loving this imperfect being.

okay, so i wasn’t the biggest speed racer fan. in fact, i laughed at the english dub growing up (because of how english dubs mostly ruin anything they touch).

so when i saw that speed racer was being directed by the wachowski brothers (matrix, v for vendetta), i thought, “hm… this could be interesting! who did they cast as speed racer? some up and coming star from hong kong, or japan, or korea, or even taiwan? i hope they don’t americanize it…”

well i saw the trailer a few months ago. the effects look neato. but… effing speed racer was a white kid.

i… just can’t take that movie seriously anymore. they chose some chubby white kid as the kid with the monkey…. it just makes the movie look like a parody. how hard is it to find an asian kid to be speed racer? hell, freaking use short round from indiana jones and the temple of doom.

i find it disrespectful in some sense, because i know how much the wachowski brothers respect hong kong/asian cinema which they paid homage to a bunch in the matrix. they even hired yuen woo ping, the most famous martial arts choreographer out there and the best! come on. it’s just… don’t call it speed racer. call it “american speed racer.” pisses me off.

what’s the other movie i want to rant about? well, when i heard jet li and jackie chan would be kicking each other’s asses, i was like “oh hell yes! both in the same movie? this is EPIC FTW OMGZ.” i even saw the teaser trailer and the teasers they show on tv, and it’s all jet li and jackie chan beating on people.

i saw the full trailer and… wow. how misleading. the main character is some newbie WHITE kid probably taken out of karate kid and found an ancient weapon which teleported him back to ancient china to help jackie chan and jet li. oh, and there’s an attractive asian girl in it too, and i’m pretty sure jet li and jackie chan won’t have a shot at her, because well, they just fight and say few words and don’t show romantic interests in the movies they’ve done.

my guess is the white kid gets the asian girl. AGAIN! haven’t we seen this before? goodness gracious. and beyond it all, jet li and jackie chan has to train the n00b. they don’t need him and his skillz!!!? it’s just so frustrating that this movie could have been so much better with just those two marquee stars without some white kid who probably doesn’t know how to fight in it.

why do they do this sort of thing? it’s so damn formulaic!!! “oh, this movie is going to be all non-white people, this will never sell tickets! let’s put one in and see what happens!” jet li and jackie chan? that alone is enough for people with the slightest knowledge or interest of in either of them!!! it’s infuriating.

alright, rant’s over.

23. that’s so strange to me. jordan’s number. lebron’s number. how many years i’ve been alive.

it just seems after you hit 18, time doesn’t slow down or even wait for you to ask that it slow down a bit so you can settle in a little bit and get comfortable.

i guess it just doesn’t work like that.

sometimes when i drive around the u-district, i can’t believe how quickly those four years went. memories, the people who are gone, the people who are still there. a lot has happened in my four plus years here in seattle.

when i turned 13, 10 years ago, we made the decision to move to taiwan and away from my comfort place in the california bay area. good church, good friends, good grades, good town we lived in. and now to look back at the 13 year journey after i moved to taiwan. i always thought i’d live, grow up, and die in california. god had other plans, i suppose.

here’s to another year.

i went to the lifehouse concert with some awesome people, and i really enjoyed it. when i first heard hanging by a moment on the radio in taiwan, i knew i had to buy the cd somehow. i took a taxi down to yizhong jie and looked all over the american cd’s section. the cd store in taiwan is ridiculous because you can find some of the most random artists everywhere. i remember not finding it (i remember shopping there 3 years later and hearing, “gone” by switchfoot as music for the store… funny how i bought cd’s of my two favorite artists in a taiwan cd store.) and feeling discouraged. maybe they didn’t have that american band. sad.

i couldn’t find it, and i think i asked my dad (my chinese sucks okay) to look in the cd store sometime if he was down in that area, and i distinctly remember playing cs and seeing my dad come into the computer room with the cd, “no name face.” i remember seeing the cover and pondering over why there was a creeping looking face on it.

the album blew me away, and i went on to copy it for a bunch of my friends at school (i remember how badass it felt when i learned you could take a cd and PUT IT ON YOUR COMPUTER as an… what’s it called? mp3? so coooool back then). in the counseling center, i’d play the cd as i studied and chilled with friends.

it took 8 years since the to see them live for the first time, but what a first time it was. lifehouse’s music really carried me when i went through some depression and soul searching during my sophomore and junior years in a christian high school environment. i wanted to be me, but feeling conforming to what or how a christian should act was desirable. that stress and having that always hanging over my head like a cloud really shaped my world view and how i lived during high school.

going to the concert tonight was full circle for me as well, since it was at the place i went to a switchfoot concert when it was called the fenix. i reminisced about the great time i had seeing them rock out for the first time and now seeing another one of my favorite bands rock out at the same venue… it couldn’t have been better.

i’m really glad they ended their show with, “broken.” it’s one of my favorites off their latest cd, with meaningful lyrics and his usual heartfelt voice used to perfection.

I’m hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way

And I’m hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven’t forgotten my way home

politics can be an ugly thing. words, actions, everything is scrutinized and people decipher them by themselves, to however way they want to see it fit their world view.

right now, things between China and Taiwan are getting heated again. Taiwan’s president, who is dangerously stupid, keeps on provoking China by trying to apply for membership with the UN under the name of Taiwan, while before it was Republic of China (which was rejected by China of course. how do you think they’ll take the fact that Taiwan now wants to be recognized as Taiwan instead of Republic of China). it’s a sticky time, and i think i may be just overreacting, but i feel a sense of fear for what could happen. China has already said they would start a war of Taiwan concretely takes steps to make itself independent. China is being lame here, but why would you want to test them? Taiwan’s president is seeing how close to the line he can get before he crosses. both sides don’t take each other’s words very seriously, i’m assuming.

i’m worried about my family and friends there. i am. i know i shouldn’t worry, as it is stated beautifully in Matthew, but man, fear goes a long way huh? fear of the inevitable. fear of loss. i sometimes just see the fear that’s in me and just choose to ignore and pretend it’s not there, but it does influence me whether i like it or not.

please pray for level heads in China and Taiwan. the elections coming up next year are going to be huge, depending on who wins and what their stance towards Taiwan independence/joining with China are. at times like this, Seattle feels less like home. it’s funny. this is one of the few times during the past four years that i’ve felt as though the place i’m at right now isn’t home. home is where my family is. and yet when i go there, there’s so much pain and anger from my time at the school there. i just spend time with my family, my dog, and a few close friends. i hardly let people know when i get there anymore.

taiwan is a beautiful place, and it’s even more beautiful when i’m with family there. i think i may be just slightly homesick during this holiday season. my sister is back home with my family 6000 miles away and i’m here because of my job. no wonder the phone calls the past few days between us have been more frequent. it’s nice to know they care and are wondering how my holiday season is, and i know i miss them dearly as well.

i have a family here too, though. it’s been my family the past four years as well. even though i’m so fearful at this current time, i’m so glad for everything God has done the past four years and is continually doing right at this moment. i look back and think, “did i really just graduate? was that really 4 years?”

happy holidays everybody.

today i got to go to quest field and help out the cameramen with their wires. here are some of the highlights:

- qwest field is amazingly loud. i was at the apple cup my freshman year and that was the loudest stadium i’d been in, until today. man, everytime the niners had the ball, your eardrums hurt from the noise.

- nfl players are HUGE. brian jennings, the 49ers long snapper was taking snaps right next to me. all 6′5, 230 of him. ridiculous. frank gore and vernon davis were real close to me. it was awesome to see my niners… suck it up. i got to high five brian russell.

- john clayton is a short old man! he looked so fragile. suzy kolber was right next to me most of the time as well.

- the highlight had to be seeing emmitt smith and steve young. steve young is one of my favorite football players, ever. as i was walking out, i saw him with his kid and said, “hey steve!” and he said “hi” back. it was pretty awesome.

it was my first nfl game, and got to see the two teams i cheer for. alex smith sucks. 49ers need to rebuild their o-line and get a new quarterback.

i am frustrated at the abuse of white privilege shown at my school in taiwan.

spent more money on stuff like sports and didn’t listen when asian parents complained (rightfully so) on the bullshit state of the education at the school. terrible math, terrible science. absolute crap.

i guess i’m just frustrated looking back at missionaries in taiwan, in a place where i lived for five years. missionaries that rip the local taiwanese off for 30 bucks or so an hour teaching english. they can charge that high because they’re white and they can speak english. aren’t you there to preach the gospel? wtf.

the culture of taiwan is wanting to be more western. white is better, in their point of view. missionaries can make BIG influences… just please don’t continue abusing your white privilege that carries over to asia. pisses me off to no other.

that’s why i never want to go back to that school. i’m so thankful for the time i had there… but looking back at those fake christians (including me), i get frustrated at myself for selling out to look good in front of people. i grew in my walk with god, but it was a sell out.

i’ve moved on, but i can’t help but look back and point a finger at myself and the fakeness i was surrounded by. for a school that professed to love god and wanting to be an impact in the community, it’s enough said when locals can walk by morrison and not what kind of school it is.

eh. haven’t ranted in a while.

i know i’ll never be a uw undergraduate again. i know iv-uw will be different if i choose to visit it every so often.

but sitting in the student section today against boise with kozu, brandon, jerel, and michael really brought back some memories that aren’t too distant. i mean, it was the same, except the huskies won one at home against a tough boise state team. it was mayhem in there. shutting up 10,000 boise state fans in their orange and blue was a beautiful thing to witness.

i’ve been having so much fun these days. matt and shannon’s wedding yesterday. getting ready for an interview monday for a job i really hope i get. God has been so faithful. i can’t thank Him enough. and yet, i am so foolish with my decisions sometimes. lessons are still to be learned.

I just woke up at 6:45 AM to meet up with Mr. Roger Fong and have one final meal with him before he moves down to California with his wife. “Clint” (as his Seattle folk called him) was an unlikely friend that I really loved and enjoyed being with. He went to Oregon State, he was a few good years older than me. We couldn’t be more different (especially since the Beavers have owned us in football recently).

We met when he volunteered to help direct and organize our worship team for UW-IV this year. It was at the Cafe on the Ave, along with Shannon, Sam, Dale, and Rachel. All I knew of him before meeting him was that he was Christine’s husband. But our friendship grew as we would jam at his place, and most importantly, hooking us up with Nintendo products. It was a beautiful relationship.

But what a man. I thought he was going to do some serious damage here in Seattle for UW but God had other plans for him, as he’s going down to California since his section is moving down there. I’m going to miss him dearly. Very much so. Clint was a huge part of my senior year that I will never forget nor take for granted. He joked when things were serious, he was serious when things were looking up. It doesn’t make sense but it worked.

It’s a bittersweet feeling saying goodbye. I’ve had to do it during three crucial times in my life: saying bye to middle school/childhood friends in Pleasanton, CA when moving to Taiwan; saying bye to friends and family in Taiwan when coming to live in Seattle for the first time; and now slowly saying bye to my UW-IV network. I hope I don’t become too jaded when saying goodbye, because each time when it hurts so bad, it meant you had a beautiful thing going.

I’m going to end the only early morning post I’ll ever do (3 or 4 am counts as night) with a song Clint had us play a lot during worship this year. It’s a promise from God, and affirms that the only constant we’ll ever have in our life is He.

Those who trust in the Lord
Are a strong mountain
They will not (no, no, no), they will not be moved

Those who trust in the Lord
Are as Mount Zion
They will not (no, no no), they will not be moved

Christ the King, He sets my feet
On a firm foundation
They will not (no, no no), they will not be moved

Though the world moves like mad
You alone are faithful (You alone are faithful)
Jesus, you, you will not
Not be changed