i feel like i’m falling away from Him.

i feel like i don’t care anymore. i want to hear His voice but i’m too busy or stubborn to hear Him out.like i’m adequate to live this life without time spent with Him. like i’m self sufficient. such selfish words.

i do have past hurts and recent hurts, but are those reason enough to not engage in relationship with Him? people fail you all the time. no matter how good their intentions are, you will get hurt by them. why do i continually fall in this trap and am so naive to think something else will be different and for the better?

my views on everything has changed since high school and even since college. i can’t believe it’s been almost two hours since i took my last college course. i do miss it. i do miss the community in school. i have grown so jaded to worship music that i find it so hard to find Him even in songs i do enjoy.

today i gave Him another chance. no, not at church but at a worship practice. i searched for Him. desperately. my soul has been so empty and filled with fleshly desires.

i decided to look behind the repetitive, structured lyrics in songs. i needed to get past my own stubbornness and let His Spirit do the talking. this sick cycle wasn’t getting anywhere. it was tearing me apart. it gave me excuse after excuse to become melancholic and apathetic.

i felt that joy. it wasn’t just a feeling, it was me receiving, undeservedly, another second chance after second chance. it was me receiving His unlimited love that i do not deserve at all. even in all my self loathing and need for love, why is it so hard to accept?

please forgive me, Father.

Oh great and mighty one
With one desire we come
That you would reign that you would reign in us
We’re offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That you would reign that you would reign in us